There’s this sickness called ‘depression’. Just like many other psychological illness it occurs for different reasons, degree and ways. For me, its like an inner distressed condition and something i constantly have to hide. Physically, I look normal. I act normal & I laugh normally. In fact, I look like just like I looked earlier this year when I was emotionally happy. A lot has changed now. My life as a whole has changed. I now have to wake up each day and tell myself that I’d be able to pass through the day. I now have to try to force my smile and make people think that everything is okay. I have to hide my thoughts, fears and feelings from everyone. Finally, I have succeeded in building high walls around myself. I like the new walls though. It kind of feels good that my friends don’t see me as weak. The only thing I need is to have a good stay in my wall.
These days, I hardly sleep at night; my eyes are closed, but I’m just thinking deeply of everything that has happened to me and how happy I used to be. I want to forgive myself for how badly I made some terrible decisions this year and performing some disgraceful actions. I want to sleep every night being assured that something good will come the next day. I want to look into the mirror and say ‘ Emma, your the most perfect person ever’ and believe it just like I did once. I want to know that I have the best of everything. But now, my heart doesn’t trust me anymore. She doesn’t understand why I let the things that make me happy slip away easily. And, I cant even defend my actions anymore. If I had a cane, I may just flog myself till I’m unconscious. Thinking about the people that I have lost, just makes me feel worse. Surprisingly, I spend so much time doing this. I don’t need them now that I know that ‘sometimes what want isn’t actually what we need’.
I’m looking for genuine strength to carry on the rest of this year. I’m drowning in myself all in vain to be strong and feel emotionless.I feel lost and alone. I just want to find happiness with myself and learn to forgive it too.
And, maybe someday, I would find genuine happiness in my walls.